Looking at my Scars

It hurts when your eyes wander to your scars, to the fresh cuts that haven’t yet healed and will eventually turn into additions to the scars that are already there, and suddenly you realize you really are screwed. It dawns on you that you’ll always be alone, because you can’t hide forever and eventually anybody you’re with is going to see those scars, and they’re going to ask why they’re there, what brought you down that low. And you don’t have to answer or you could lie, but no matter what you say they’re still going to realize that you’re too fragile for them, too easily broken, and they’ll walk or maybe even run away out of fear, because they don’t want to be the reason you add to the scars and they don’t realize that they’re reaction may do just that. Or they’ll leave because you’re just too much to deal with. Maybe they’ll leave out of disgust because they just don’t understand that sometimes intentionally causing yourself physical pain and watching yourself bleed is the only way you can find the relief you so desperately need. You know, because it’s happened before and because you hear what people say when they think you’re not listening, when they don’t realize you’re there to hear, when they don’t realize it’s you they might be indirectly talking about.

 

It hurts when your eyes wander to your scars, to the fresh cuts that haven’t healed and suddenly you realize you’re doomed to spend your life alone, because you’ve lost the only person who would ever accept and love you enough to not expect you to change and to see past your scars and still do their best to take care of your heart. It hurts when they’re ripped away from you by society and skewed beliefs that scare them too much to hang onto you… to stay and save you when you can’t save yourself after too many years of trying too hard to save everyone else. You save everyone, but who saves you when the only person who can save you is pulled away? It hurts when you lose your chance to finally truly be happy because of hatred, bigotry, homophobia, and the threat of a lack of acceptance from the people who are supposed to love us unconditionally. And it hurts when all you can do to combat that pain is make more scars and wish you hadn’t promised that you wouldn’t cut too deep.

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