I’m not proud anymore.
In fact, I’ve started to hate who I am again the same way I hated who I was when I first started to realize that I was gay. It took me so long to come to accept myself. It was so hard and it took so fucking long. And now here I am back at square one, hating myself and wishing there was some way that I could make it go away because this part of me has only ever proven to be nothing but a burden and a constant source of pain and loss and I just can’t take it anymore.
I keep asking myself now how much easier it would be if I was just fucking straight. And somewhere deep down it sickens me that I keep asking myself that question now because for a while there I couldn’t possibly have been more proud of who I was. I wore my orientation like a badge of honor. I paraded around with it written across my chest and shoved it in the faces of those who hated me for who I was because I thrived on their hatred, I thrived on knowing that my pride pissed them off.
And now that pride is gone and I wish I could shove this part of me deep down and forget it exists because I’m sick of being different and I’m sick of losing because of it, I’m sick of hurting because of it. If I weren’t different then maybe I wouldn’t be where I am right now. If I weren’t different than maybe I wouldn’t be sitting here slowly and painfully killing myself little by little because I lost the girl of my dreams because this shit hole world and bigoted assholes and parents who forget that it’s there fucking job to love their children unconditionally make her feel like she has too hide and it’s too painful for her to keep hiding me, too painful for her to keep me a secret. It’s too painful for her to keep me and it’s too painful for me to not be with her so now we’re caught between a rock and hard place. And she was all I wanted, all I ever needed even if it meant I had to be kept a secret. I was content. As long as I had her then living that way would have been easy for me, but it was too hard for her. But now living without her is too hard for me and I don’t know what else to do but sit here slowly destroying myself because if I can’t have her, if I can’t have the one fucking thing that I wanted more than anything, then I don’t want life at all, because without her living this shit life is too damn painful and just not worth it.
And at the same time, not only do I actually want to die because this pain is so bad, but also wish I could scream in the face of every single homophobic pile of human waste on this planet. I wish I could scream at them that they are the reason I’m hurting so fucking bad. I want to grab every single parent of an LGBTQA+ child that is un-accepting and makes their child feel like they have to hide and I want to shake them and ask them what the fuck is wrong with them. I want to point to every new cut, every new scar I’ve created over the last almost three weeks and scream at them that it’s their fault that they’re there. I want to scream at them that they might as well have been the one holding the blade, pushing it into my legs and my wrist, and dragging it across my skin. I want them to know what the consequences of their ignorance are, but at the same time I know that they probably wouldn’t even give a fuck because that’s how fucking shitty they are.
People like that have taken my pride away from me. They’ve taken my heart, they’ve taken my reason for living, my will to live. They’ve ripped my whole world away from me, ripped everything away from me and I’m just beyond ready to be done now; ready to be done living on the same planet and breathing the same air as bigoted assholes who don’t even fucking give a shit that they are killing people both directly and indirectly. What kind of life is this if I can’t even have the one thing I want? What kind of life is this if I have to live without the girl of my dreams, the girl that I love and that I have given every piece of my heart and soul to? What kind of life is this if all I ever do is lose over and over? The only reason I’m still hanging on at all is because I promised her I would… and now I keep asking myself how long I’ll be able to keep that promise, because every day this hurts worse and every day I grow to hate this life more.
And I’ve given up on faith. I’ve been pushed too far away from God by the same people who use him against me to ever return to him again. Because what kind of God allows this shit to happen? What sort of God allows his followers to beat people down for being different? What kind of God allows himself to be used as a weapon against people who have done nothing wrong accept love another consenting individual who happens to be the same gender? What kind of God considers love a fucking crime and hate perfectly acceptable? If that’s the sort of God I’m supposed to believe in, then I’ll pass… thanks anyway.