No Will

Everything that mattered to me at all has been stolen away from me by hatred and ignorance, by parents who make their children feel like they have to hide who they really are, by parents who make their children feel like they have to sacrifice their hearts and the hearts of other to satisfy them when they don’t deserve those sacrifices being made for them because they are failures as parents.

 

I can’t watch my favorite shows anymore because it hurts too much seeing the fictional couples I once rooted for getting what I wanted and what I finally had before it was ripped away from me. My photography is suffering because I simply don’t have the will to pack up my stuff and go out and take the time to set everything up and focus on getting that perfect shot. And now I’m losing my writing too because I’m losing the will to sit and try to put words down onto the empty pages before for me.

 

I can’t go out in public because it seems like everywhere I go there’s a song playing that instantly makes me break down because it’s a song that she sent me, or a song I sent her, or just any song in general that makes me think of her. And I can’t stand to see other happy couples. It makes me physically sick when I see two people holding hands or sharing a kiss or with their arms wrapped around one another. I can’t even stand to be around my dad and his girlfriend when they’re together, because I know I can’t have what they’ve found and it makes me want to break down, makes my stomach turn, and increases my already strong desire to just fucking die.

 

The only thing I do have the will to do anymore is sit locked up in my room or on the bathroom floor, crying and cutting into my legs and my wrist. And the only reason I haven’t gone too far and cut too deep is because I promised her I wouldn’t. But every day that promise gets harder to keep and I can’t bring myself to tell her that this is just going to keep getting worse and that every day without hearing her say or reading a message from her saying “I love you” and every day that the promise that she would chose us and that she would fight for us remains a broken promise because of ignorance and bigotry brings me one day closer to breaking my promise to her that I would keep holding on.

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