I am Not Okay

I am not okay. I’m not. I’m far from it. I am covered in more scars than I can count, because they’ve begun to run together and over each other, and the only relief I get is the little that comes with the physical pain that I inflict on myself. Talking doesn’t help, venting doesn’t help. Anything that doesn’t bring about change and fix what’s broken that people shouldn’t have been allowed to break in the first place just leaves me feeling worse. I’m broken beyond repair… maybe not beyond repair but the only person who knows how to put the pieces back together and hold them together has been torn away by erroneous beliefs and control freaks… or one anyway. My life is left in shambles and there are too many pieces scattered over too wide a range for me to be able to even think about trying to pick them up, and even if I could pick them all up it wouldn’t matter, because I cannot put them together myself. I have no future to look forward to, no reason to continue fighting and trying to take steps forward when for every one I take forward I am pushed back ten.

I want to understand why people say one thing and do the opposite, and why I keep being given advice that only I’m expected to follow. I want to understand why it is that I’m the only who isn’t allowed to say that I can’t make it through the tough time when I know that this time I can’t. I want to understand why I’m the only one who isn’t allowed to believe that things won’t get better in a tough situation when I know that they won’t and that I will not be okay. I want to understand why I’m the one who is always expected to fight the toughest battles that I know I’m doomed to lose no matter how hard I try to fight. I want to understand why I’m the only one who is never allowed to give up in any way… unless it’s giving up the one thing that I simply can’t. I want to understand why I’m expected to accept that this is the way it has to be, when if people would fight like I’m expected to then it wouldn’t have to be this way and it shouldn’t have to be this way, but others can’t accept that then it means that I am and will remain angry at and do and will continue to hate god, and why I’m expected to accept something that has destroyed me, but others don’t have to accept that I simply can’t go on living in a world like this if this is the way it has to be. Why am I the only one who has to accept things I can’t?

I keep asking myself what’s worse: fighting through the tough times or watching somebody you say you love die… fighting through the tough times or knowing that one day you’re going to hear that someone you say you love took their own life, no longer able to endure the pain of life and broken promises and endlessly waiting for change that won’t come in time to fix what’s broken for me, and may not come at all… that I’ve been told, by people who have been fighting longer than I have, will never come ? And from the perspective of those who ripped what mattered most away from me, what’s worse: accepting your child as they are instead of locking them away in a proverbial closet, or one day finding out that through your bigotry you are responsible for a person’s death? Is it so hard to love and accept that you would prefer to have blood on your hands that I assure you will never wash off though you may not see it there? I was already fucked up thanks to the abuse I faced at the hands of my mother, because of the excessive amount of control I allowed her to have over me for far too long. Now I’ve been even more fucked up and my life is even more fucked up at the hands of people I never even got the chance to know. They’ve managed to fuck other people up and over and begin controlling the lives of others they don’t even know through their victim… I don’t think it gets much more fucked up than that, but I know as long as they are allowed to maintain that control it will only get worse and I won’t be the only one whose life it may take.

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